I'm an approaching retirement-age registered nurse, married 44 years to a farmer/rancher in the middle of Kansas.
My blog is an ecletic collection of thoughts, observations & musings on life in general, farm life, healthcare, family, grief, fear and the Lover of my soul - my God & Father, Jesus Christ.
Following is the LONG version "About Me", if you'd like to know more.
EARLY LIFE: I grew up on a campus of a Free Methodist Orphanage and "Old People's Home" (as it was called back them) - now referred to as the Heritage Retirement Villages. Both of my parents worked there. It was in upstate NY in the trees and hills of the Allegheny's. Beautiful place, except for the over 100+ inches of snow that arrived every winter.
Growing up on a campus with broken lonely abandoned children and the lonely elderly affected me deeply. It influenced my view on life and my entrance into the field of nursing, where I could help people of all ages.
LATER LIFE: As a senior in high school, I met a good looking guy from Kansas. We started a long-distanced relationship.
After graduating from nurses training, I married and moved away from my beloved hills and trees to the flat lands of Kansas. We raise wheat, soybeans, milo, and have a cow-calf operation. Incidentally, my husband has his BA in theology.
In the flat lands, I moved into a home on a dirt road with hardly any neighbors. The closest blacktop road was 4 miles away. What a shocker. I literally was not prepared for this new life.
Lonely and living miles from the closest town was rather unsettling for me. It took me 2 full years to adjust to my new surroundings. - Remember - I grew up on a campus, surrounded by cottages and people 24/7.
CHILDREN: We've raised two children.
We have a forever 16 y/o son waiting for us in Heaven. I still miss him every day even though he died in a farm accident 25 years ago. I understand grief and mourning and I KNOW it is the hardest work you will ever do.
Our daughter lives on the west coast with her husband and 1 y/o old son. I'm learning to be one of those doting Nana's from afar.
THE LIFE CHANGING EVENTS THAT STARTED MY NEED TO WRITE:
Saturday, November 13, 2005, my husband was out checking on his cattle, when a poacher came crawling out of the trees/woods on his hands and knees – he then jumped up and stabbed my husband several times and left him in the dark (alone) to die. The poacher stole our vehicle so my husband had no way to get anywhere except to walk. Which he did. He could have only done so with God’s strength.
This poacher had cut off his nose, slashed opened his abdomen causing his intestines to spill out, and stabbed him in the back collapsing his lung. I was home when my husband arrived - short of breath, bleeding heavily, and about to collapse. As a former ICU and ER nurse, I did all that I could do out under the night sky - which was only to get him in a shock position and make sure his airway was open. Then I waited 20 minutes for the ambulance, prayed, called my family and prayed some more.
A helicopter landed next to our house and took him to Wesley Medical Trauma Center in Wichita, Kansas. Which is 2-1/2 hours from where we live by road. The trauma surgeons do not understand how he survived.
20 years earlier, a helicopter had landed in a field close to us and carried our 16 y/o son off to the trauma center. He never returned home. As the helicopter with my husband left, it wasn't only my husband in the chopper. Somehow, my son was again in that aircraft with my husband.
I knew I'd never see my husband alive again. I'm sorry to admit that I had no faith that night about his survival. I knew too much about trauma to believe that he could survive.
I knew I'd never see my husband alive again. I'm sorry to admit that I had no faith that night about his survival. I knew too much about trauma to believe that he could survive.
My husband’s trauma brought back my son’s death. A full slap in the face. All the old feelings came swarming back like a swarm of bees covering me from head to toe. I couldn't think, I couldn't sleep. I would get lost when I was driving on familiar roads. It was torment. My husband and I had nightmares for over 4-1/2 years.
I started journaling again for my survival. I needed to write what I was feeling. This blog does NOT contain much of it as it is so personal and I really do not think most people would understand the depth of depression that a person can go and the height of fear that a person can live under.
Journaling and blogging has been a healthy outlet for me. Some of my blogging shows my fear. It took me 5 years to be able to get out into my own yard again. 2010 was the first time I could venture out at all. 2011 - last year was the first time I could be by myself in my own yard.
UPDATE: Thursday, 1/26/2012 - Today the poacher has been released from prison/jail just 18 miles from us. He is being released 1 year and 2 months early. It's my day off and I'm in my house with the doors locked. I know my anxiety & fear is unfounded, but none the less, I AM uneasy. Will I ever be safe again?
Friday, 1/27/2012. "Yes!", I finally say to myself - after stuggling through a panic attack and some weeping yesterday. I will be safe again! God has not brought me this far, just to have me slip back into the depths of despair and fear. He has been my steady companion and HAS held me often with his mighty steady right arm. He will not fail me now.
UPDATE: Thursday, 1/26/2012 - Today the poacher has been released from prison/jail just 18 miles from us. He is being released 1 year and 2 months early. It's my day off and I'm in my house with the doors locked. I know my anxiety & fear is unfounded, but none the less, I AM uneasy. Will I ever be safe again?
Friday, 1/27/2012. "Yes!", I finally say to myself - after stuggling through a panic attack and some weeping yesterday. I will be safe again! God has not brought me this far, just to have me slip back into the depths of despair and fear. He has been my steady companion and HAS held me often with his mighty steady right arm. He will not fail me now.
INTERESTS:
WRITING: I love words. I’ve always loved how writings can string a series of words together and thereby paint a picture for the reader.
MUSIC: I LOVE music!! classical; country western; bluegrass; ballads & folk; Celtic; southern gospel, praise & worship; old church hymns; contemporary Christian; 60’s & 70’s; Enya / alternative; instrumentals and orchestra. And probably some I’ve forgotten here. At 89 y/o my mom is still playing the organ in her church.
COLLECTIONS: I collect quotes, cartoons, song lyrics, and murphy's laws. They are written all over on pieces of paper, backs of envelopes, anything I can find when I hear them. Someday I will get organized (hehe) and get them all on my computer in an orderly fashion. Some day!
And frogs! I collect frogsl for my garden and my shelves. They are the constant reminder to Fully Rely On God.
COLLECTIONS: I collect quotes, cartoons, song lyrics, and murphy's laws. They are written all over on pieces of paper, backs of envelopes, anything I can find when I hear them. Someday I will get organized (hehe) and get them all on my computer in an orderly fashion. Some day!
And frogs! I collect frogsl for my garden and my shelves. They are the constant reminder to Fully Rely On God.
WORLD WAR II: My Dad was in WWII in France, Belgium, and Germany. We have been writing his story and are about finished. I have about 50 letters of his from WWII to translate (decipher) and insert into his story. Working with my Dad (he's 90 y/o) has helped me to finally understand him for the first time in my life.
READING: Wander over to the tab “Books I’m reading” and you will see that my reading interests are as varied as my interests. I read continuously.
READING: Wander over to the tab “Books I’m reading” and you will see that my reading interests are as varied as my interests. I read continuously.
ASTRONOMY: As a child, my parents would take our mattresses outside and we would spend the night under the stars watching the meteor showers. My Mom knew all the constellations and would point them out to us. Our family watched the first Russian satellite go over and every satellite after that. I follow all the activity of NASA and am really heart-broken that the Space Shuttles have been put to bed. At night, you might find me outside watching the ISS (International Space Station) going over.
NATURE: Everything – birds, flowers, trees, bugs, turtles, I even love to mow the yard to just be outside
IDITAROD: You know - the dog-sled race in Alaska in March. I know - this one seems a little off-the-wall, but I follow it every year like I'm a little girl and post the updates every evening on Facebook. This greatest race on earth is just fascinating. The persistence and endurance that goes into even entering this race is unbelievable.
BLESSINGS / JOY JOURNAL: In 2009, I started a blessings /Joy Journal. I wanted to concentrate on the good, fun, silly, and positive that happened everyday. The things that bring a smile and a laugh, but then are soon forgotten in the humdrum of the rest of the day.
Between my husbands and son's ordeals and the fact that I work in a hospital - I am inundated with the overwhelming sadness, death, and the negative. I needed to make a specific effort to find the joy. I knew it was there.
I now carry my camera with me every day. I carry a small recorder in my purse. I have a short cut on my laptop at home and a "joy" shortcut on my computer at work. When something happens that touches me, that makes me smile or laugh, that brings me joy - I immediately record it.
It is amazing the blessings that come our way when we are looking. I truly believe that We see what we are looking for. We see what we want to see.
last update 02/01/2012
