the Journey

Another hill taken today

Another barricade removed!.

Today is the 5th year anniversary of a vicious attack on my husband.

He was stabbed 3 times by a poacher and left for dead.

Why?
Someone thought deer antlers were more important than someone's life!

Today is also the opening day of pheasant season - just as it was 5 years ago. 

Even before the attack, I would stay home on this week-end to help Marvin

and to make sure hunters stayed out of our yard and out of our buildings. 

A few weeks ago, I promised my friend, Penny,  that I would help her
when the crew from the Covenant Church came to redo her roof. 

My mistake was that I promised . . . not knowing the date. 

This morning I was so angry that the crew chose November 13th.  

I almost backed out and was thinking of calling to say so.  

But - I was preempted. 

Penny called ME first to make sure I was coming. 
I think she had an inkling of my emotional state.

Last night's dream

Under construction.  

Today's devotional really 'spoke' to me today.  Especially after my vivid dreams during the night.  It was based on Ps 84 - which is below.  


But first to my dream.

I dreamt that my parents had a new huge house. 

There was room there for ALL their children, grand-children

and great-grandchildren. 

It was noisy, but calm and peaceful. 

It was awesome. 

I've never seen anything like it and never seen Mom & Dad so content. 

EVERYONE was there!!

Did you get that?
EVERYONE was there! 
Not just the ones who are now living. 
  

Come . . . take a walk with me.

You are going on a walk with me today! 

What??    Sure you can! 

You don't even have to get off the couch or out of your chair.

Just sit back and enjoy.

I'm excited about this walk

You see . . . . . I'm going to walk down my road for the first time in 5 years! 

I've been so overwhelmed & consumed by fear since my husband was stabbed by a

poacher (not far from my yard) that I have not been out. 

I've become a recluse.
Immobilized.
Trapped in my own house when I'm not at work.

Strange, especially since I'm a lover of nature.
Birdwatching, wildflowers, flower beds, butterflies, trees, clouds, frogs, toads,
the stars are some of my favorite things. 

I'm kind of anxious.
I hope I don't have a panic attack.
I have not even told my husband that I'm going to do this TODAY.
Not sure why.  Maybe for fear I'd back out and have to explain. 

Last night the idea suddenly came to me to take my camera along
and narrate my journey for my family and friends. 
That way I would not FEEL like I was out there walking ALONE.
I'd have all of you with me.  
I believe that was a God idea.

TODAY is the day!
It's my day off
The temperature is 75 degrees
Sun is shining
It's my kind of day . . . .
Well it used to be my kind of day before November 13, 2005

I was able to go out into my own yard and down to the road for the
first time on Monday, August 31, 2009.
Wow!  That's a year ago. 

Yeah!  It's time for the next 'step' in my journey.

My goal is to walk about 3/4 of a mile down the road to the place
where Marvin was stabbed. 

Stand there and thank God for my husband.  For the miracles of that dreadful night. 

I want to be free of the fear of that place TODAY!

My adventure today.

E-mail sent to my parents & siblings:  Monday, August 31, 2009   12:42 PM

Janet Macy

I took a couple vacation days (Friday and Monday) to be able to go to Beth Moore event and then to work on an attempt to go outside without experiencing a panic attack.  Or actually – literally - to just to go outside alone and survive.

Armed with inspiration from the Beth Moore simulcast, which was based on Psalms 37: 1-7.  I claimed verse “3 Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.”  Safe pasture had nothing to do with the focus of the event but I needed safe pasture. 

The focus was – “Trust in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”.  The desire of my heart was to feel safe again.  To look fear in the eye and triumph. 

Fear Exposed

I discovered something rather pathetic about myself today. 

I’m afraid to go outside the house unless Marvin, Jeremy, or someone I know is out there.  I’m even afraid to be next to the house mowing the yard because I can not hear any vehicles coming down the road from either way. 

I’m a prisoner in my own house!

And . . . . . . I don’t even like my house.

HELP! 

I’m trapped and I can’t get out!