My adventure today.

E-mail sent to my parents & siblings:  Monday, August 31, 2009   12:42 PM

Janet Macy

I took a couple vacation days (Friday and Monday) to be able to go to Beth Moore event and then to work on an attempt to go outside without experiencing a panic attack.  Or actually – literally - to just to go outside alone and survive.

Armed with inspiration from the Beth Moore simulcast, which was based on Psalms 37: 1-7.  I claimed verse “3 Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.”  Safe pasture had nothing to do with the focus of the event but I needed safe pasture. 

The focus was – “Trust in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”.  The desire of my heart was to feel safe again.  To look fear in the eye and triumph. 

Besides – the yard looks a lot like a pasture and I do dwell in this land.  So I figure it applied to me.  And “safe” seemed the appropriate word for what I’m desiring.  Since I’m feeling unsafe – I need ‘safe’. 

The following 2 choruses from the Beth Moore event spoke right to & at me.  I decided I’d been trapped, chained, and shackled by my feelings of fear long enough. 

Shackles by Mary Mary

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
(What'cha wanna do?)
I just wanna praise you
(Yeah, yeah)

You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
(Uh feel me?)
And I'm gonna praise you
(What'cha gon do?)
I'm gonna praise you

Amazing Grace, the Chains are Gone by Chris Tomlin

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

. . . .And, also inspired by the first 2 lines of the new TobyMac song “City on your knees” that I’ve been hearing almost every day on my way to and/or from work:

If you gotta start somewhere why not here
If you gotta start sometime why not now

 

And having just read a couple quotes by Edmund Burke;  

“no passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear”

and

“Never despair; but if you do, work on in despair.”

- the meaning to me was;  ‘Get movin’ !      (Didn’t God ask Joshua what he was doing just sitting there (standing there) doing nothing? It was Joshua, right?  Before he crossed the Jordan? )

I walked out the back (East) door reciting Deut 31:8; “the Lord himself goes before me (preparing the way) and will be with me.  Do not be afraid”.   I instantly decided (because the grass was so wet) that I was going to walk straight down the driveway to the road and then as far as I could go without passing out or getting palpitations & short of breath.  Just walk as fast as I could and not look back. 

I called the dogs and off we went.  Yes – it is fair to have my dogs with me.  Not that they would protect me or anything.  But – who knows what they might do if I needed them.  They are, as I learned in church yesterday, “untried & untested”.  They could possibly ‘come thro’ in time of need.  Now, I bet pastor is trying to figure out how I learned that – but you never know how God will speak to you through a sermon.  He’s probably wishing I’d learned something else – but God speaks to us where we are. 

I was able to walk ¼ mile down the road (to the Headley Place) and back.  Then over to the area that had been my ‘wildflower’ garden 4 -5 years ago  - north of the house next to the scary windbreak.  There are some still growing there!!   Who knew?

I did have a little buzzing in my ears (like before you pass out) as I got back inside the house. 

I survived!!!  Thanks for your prayers. 

It was an excellent (¡Excelente!, d'excellentes !, C'est Excellent !,  Eccellente !, Exquisitus ! ) adventure.  It’s a gorgeous fall day in the 70’s.  Perfect day.  My kind of day. 

The guys are in the house now for lunch.  They are going to check the lawn mower so I can attempt to mow right outside my doors.  In my little yard within my big 2 acre yard.  God is faithful. 

Love you

Jan

E-mail sent to my parents & siblings @ Monday, August 31, 2009;  5:54 pm

I mowed the yard outside my doors!! 

I just finished. 

I’m gasping for breath.  Not from panic.  From the fact that I’m in such poor physical shape.  This is not a self-propelled mower.  So I’ve pushed the mower – haven’t done that for years.  It took me 3 trips outside to mow that small area.  I’d have to go back into the house to gasp, cool-down in front of the fan, and rest.  Took a nap during the middle of the process. 

Marvin is still in Salina – so . . . I feel this was a good test.  For the first time, anyway.  I will admit that I’m now in the house with all doors locked. 

My God prepared the way ‘good’ for me today, did He?

Woo Hoo!!

Jan