My adventure today.

E-mail sent to my parents & siblings:  Monday, August 31, 2009   12:42 PM

Janet Macy

I took a couple vacation days (Friday and Monday) to be able to go to Beth Moore event and then to work on an attempt to go outside without experiencing a panic attack.  Or actually – literally - to just to go outside alone and survive.

Armed with inspiration from the Beth Moore simulcast, which was based on Psalms 37: 1-7.  I claimed verse “3 Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.”  Safe pasture had nothing to do with the focus of the event but I needed safe pasture. 

The focus was – “Trust in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”.  The desire of my heart was to feel safe again.  To look fear in the eye and triumph. 

The Glass Window - in the wee hours of today.

“A glass window stands before us.  We raise our eyes and see the glass; we note its quality, and observe its defects; we speculate on its composition.  Or . . . we look straight through it onto the great prospect of land and sea and the sky beyond.”  Benjamin B Warfield. 

The above phrase suddenly leaped off the web page a few moments ago?  Out of all the pages boringly scrolling by, why this statement? 

Vaguely, as if through a fog, thoughts begin to form.  But what?   Suddenly it hits me.   I remembered the wee hours of today.   

Something that had already receded from my memory . . . . had I not just stumbled across those words by Benjamin Warfield.   

The window?  It’s the reference to the glass window?  Yes!  I remember now.  Thank you Lord, for your reminder. 

The phone!  It’s ringing.  I hear myself crying out loud, “Oh no!  Oh no!”.  I’m sitting straight up in bed, in terror, fumbling in the dark for the phone before I even know I’m awake. 

My parents!  One of them is dead.  Surely it’s not Tammy  - she’s healthy . . . . . . . unless she threw a clot to her lung.  Please no, God, I can’t handle anything more right now.  Please, God!