Memories . . .

I never cry, but here I am;

Sitting . . .
Surprised . . .
tears filling my eyes,
threatening to spill down my cheeks.

Why?

A small crop-duster plane just flew by outside my window. 

That's weird, you say!
Why would an airplane cause someone to cry?

In grief and loss, we never know when something -
     a sound
     a smell
     a picture
     or anything - will trigger a memory. 

It just suddenly overwhelms and engulfs us with deep sadness,

unannounced,

unpredictably,
rudely
with no warning. 

And  - I was immediately overwhelmed with a deep sadness,

. . . . then all these memories started to flow over me. 

LOTS of bittersweet memories.

Bitter, because he died.
Sweet, because he lived. 

the other side of Mother's & Father's Day

Mother's & Father's Day is a day of:  struggle,  remorse, and grief for :

• the parent who has lost a child, whether by miscarriage, as a young child or as an adult.  
• the person who wanted to be a mother or father, but could not;  
• the parent  who feels they should have been a better parent;
• the parent whose child is in jail or prison;
• the parent who is estranged from their children;
• the person who gave up her child and wonders where that child is today.
• the woman who aborted her child and wonders how they would look today.
• any person who has lost their loving mother or father. 
• any person who had an emotionally detached or abusive mother and/or father. 

For my husband and I, Mother's Day & Father's Day have been a bittersweet day.
For almost 26 years. 

Why Mother's Day?  Why Father's Day? 

Letter to my daughter

Today is my daughter's birthday.
Today is her first birthday since becoming a mother.
Today she understands, for the first time,  a mother's love for her child.

Below is a letter that I wrote to her on her 21st birthday.

I feel the same today as I did on the day I originally wrote it. 

Dearest Tammy Sue,

Once upon a time, exactly 21 years ago today, at 10:30am on a Sunday morning, a darling little dark-eyed girl was born. It was a day of great excitement at the hospital because never had so many little cherubs arrived in their midst at about the same time.  

Hope - No Winter Lasts forever!

 Today I've calmly  (and, I might add - fearlessly) wandered around  my yard looking for signs of spring.   Snapping a picture here and a picture there. (see pics below)   I always did need proof of everything.  It's most annoying sometimes.

Once again I'm reminded of the promise of spring - the hope of spring.    

The hope of better things, better times and better seasons to come,
and especially of an eternal home
with no tears,  no pain, no sickness,
no death,
no night.


But . . . right now I have work to do.
A life to live purposefully, as long as I live!   



Out of the ashes and dust we WILL rise.  If we allow it!

I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes, so live not in your yesterdays, no just for tomorrow, but in the here and now. Keep moving and forget the post mortems; and remember, no one can get the jump on the future.

Carl Sandburg

  

The barren times are coming to an end! 

The dry seasons in life do not last.

The spring rains will come again. 

Sarah Ban Breathnach

  









  


The old will become new! 
Because of His great love we are not consumed, for His compassions
never fail.  They are NEW every morning.  Lam 3:21-23

 

A new day is coming!
Fling off thy sadness!
Fair vernal flowers, laugh forth.

Thomas Blackburn





 

No winter lasts forever

No Springs skips its turn

Hal Borland



   The birds will sing again!

 For, when the cheerless night passed by,
    The sun would wink his golden eye,
         And birds would sing again.

              John O'Brien

The Wind Sings ! !

Then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy.  Psalms 96:12

There's music in the sighing of a reed;

There's music in the gushing of a rill;

There's music in all things,

if men had ears.

There earth is but an echo of the spheres

Lord Byron

Really?  The wind sings? 

Of course it does! 

I'm sitting here right now

listening to the wind,
singing in the cedar tree
outside window

Reminds me of my teenage years.                         
There was a very tall evergreen or pine tree
 of some sort outside my upstairs bedroom window. 

The tree was taller than the house.
I loved to go to sleep when the wind was blowing through that evergreen.
when the wind was singing through MY evergreen tree.
It would literally sing me to sleep. 

Happy Birthday to My Sister - 2012

The first memory I have of you - the little burden bundle of joy - was hearing your little cry from somewhere . . . . far off in the distance.  I do not remember seeing you – just hearing your cry. 

Well . . . . . . . . .  I think it was you.  Mom and Dad told me it was you.  But, they could have told me anything.  I was only 4 years old, had the mumps, was feverish, and was still extremely gullible. 

Spring

The year's at the spring
And day's at the morn;
Morning's at seven;
The hillside's dew-pearled;
The lark's on the wing;
The snail's on the thorn;
God's in His heaven -
All's right with the world!
~Robert Browning

A kind word is like a spring day.   Russian Proverb

 

I'm A Gonna Sing !

I woke up this morning at 6 am!!  
Wide awake!
I'm never wide awake at 6 am. 

I am NOT a morning person!
In my humble opinion, mornings should
NOT begin before 10 am!

More amazing though, I awoke with a song. 
Over and over the words were playing in my mind. 
I could not get rid of them. 

I grabbed my laptop and found the song
What a surprise!!

Honk Honk!

This morning on the way to work, I saw a flock of geese.

They were the most disorganized, bunched-up, pathetic looking flock of geese I've ever seen. 

Flocks of geese have been flying north for a couple weeks now.  

I love to listen to their honking as they fly overhead. 
You can hear them long before you can see them.  
It seems rather soothing to me.

Wonder why they make all that noise ?

Seems like it would take up too much energy to honk while flapping their wings?  

Heaven knows I can't even walk fast and talk at the same time. 
I'm too busy gasping for breath.

Hope Springs Eternal

The day the Lord created HOPE was probably the same day he created SPRING. ~ Bern Williams

 "If we had no winter,

the spring would not be so pleasant;

if we did not sometimes taste of adversity,

prosperity would not be so welcome"

Anne Bradstreet

No winter lasts forever;  ~  Hal Borland

Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways.

The dry seasons in life do not last.

The spring rains will come again. 

Sarah Ban Breathnach

What a difference 10 days make!

10 days ago it was wind chill of  15 degrees below zero

Yesterday it was a heat index of  70 degrees above zero.

What's up with that???

Oh - it's a reminder that Spring is coming, whether it looks like it TODAY or not.

A few nice days to give us hope;

Saying - "Hang in there

Winter won't last forever" 

The robins are back! 

They arrived a week ago to find lawns & fields
covered in snow.

They sang anyway. 

Did you hear that?

THEY SANG ANYWAY!

I love their song.

In fact, this morning I woke up to a robin singing. 

Ahhhhh!  Spring is almost here. 

I just wanted to stay in bed and listen. 

 

Spring is Coming !! ?? . . listening for the right voice.

Are we listening to the right voice?

I thought Spring was coming!  

Well . . that is what the groundhog said!  Didn't he? 

At least Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole,

whispered his groundhogese in the ear of the
President of the Inner Circle - saying so.

The President of the Inner Circle said that's what he said.
But . . . . how would we know?   He could have said anything. 

It's been about a week since Phil's prophetic declaration.

Here I sit, wrapped up in a blanket

Snow is falling

Wind is blowing

Roads are drifting

Temperatures are dropping

Squirrel Alert !! (Never Give Up)

Yesterday on my way to work,
I saw a squirrel trying to precariously
walk on TOP of the snow. 

I'll just say. . . . .   It was NOT going well. 
I know this may sound cruel - but I smiled. 
Well . . . OK!  I lied.  I laughed.  Out loud.

Reminded me of the saber-toothed squirrel, Scrat,  in "Ice Age". 

He is constantly putting his life in danger to hunt, obtain and protect his acorns  - for his future.


He invariably ends up in humorous or painful situations:

- struck by lightning,

- pursued by avalanches,

- stepped on by a mammoth

- repeatedly knocked unconscious.
- resuscitated just before entering
    acorn Heaven. 
- causing a volcanic eruption because of his
    method of trying to bury his acorn. 

He usually ends up losing. 

Yet !!  He never gives up.

I think that's why I love Scrat so much. 
He NEVER gives up! 
NEVER!

He fights all the EXTREME elements known to man and just keeps going. 
Undaunted in his sole task of collecting his acorns.

As I wrote in a October 18, 2009 post, while watching the squirrels in my own yard
 frantically and furiously gathering black walnuts while dodging the dogs: 

A New Year, A New Song

New Song

chādāš  šiyr

New is the Hebrew chādāš (2319) which indicates something new as in
 ‘never seen or done before’ 

Song  in Hebrew, is  Šiyr (7892) a type of lyrical or religious song.   It appears several times
in Ezra and Nehemiah to refer to songs of Levitical choirs. 

A wonderful meaning is created when these two words are used together.  

The term 'new song' appears 7 times in the OT and in each we see a new song
being composed in response to what God has done. 

Adam Clarke writes – “Fresh mercies call for new songs of praise and gratitude”. 

What could be more appropriate, as we start a new year
than to be reminded to sing a new song every day?  
After all, we have been promised new mercies each day from God. 

               Lamentations 3:21-23 (NIV)
                   ²¹ Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
                   ²² Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
                   ²³ They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

So each day's new mercies, new blessings, new joys, and
new triumphs should result in a new song from us. 

I sent the above comments about a new song to my parents on January 2nd. 
On January 5th, I received an e-mail response from my 88 y/o mother. 

After reading my e-mail my, Mom sat down and wrote me a new song - literally! 

the Journey

Another hill taken today

Another barricade removed!.

Today is the 5th year anniversary of a vicious attack on my husband.

He was stabbed 3 times by a poacher and left for dead.

Why?
Someone thought deer antlers were more important than someone's life!

Today is also the opening day of pheasant season - just as it was 5 years ago. 

Even before the attack, I would stay home on this week-end to help Marvin

and to make sure hunters stayed out of our yard and out of our buildings. 

A few weeks ago, I promised my friend, Penny,  that I would help her
when the crew from the Covenant Church came to redo her roof. 

My mistake was that I promised . . . not knowing the date. 

This morning I was so angry that the crew chose November 13th.  

I almost backed out and was thinking of calling to say so.  

But - I was preempted. 

Penny called ME first to make sure I was coming. 
I think she had an inkling of my emotional state.

Last night's dream

Under construction.  

Today's devotional really 'spoke' to me today.  Especially after my vivid dreams during the night.  It was based on Ps 84 - which is below.  


But first to my dream.

I dreamt that my parents had a new huge house. 

There was room there for ALL their children, grand-children

and great-grandchildren. 

It was noisy, but calm and peaceful. 

It was awesome. 

I've never seen anything like it and never seen Mom & Dad so content. 

EVERYONE was there!!

Did you get that?
EVERYONE was there! 
Not just the ones who are now living. 
  

Helicopters & a touch of anger on the road. .

THE HELICOPTER:  This morning as I was leaving for work, I heard a helicopter going over. 

Instead of recoiling with fear - as I have in the past due to my personal experience(s) with helicopters,  I ran out into the middle of the driveway to see if I could see it - - Just like in the old days.  Without even thinking about it. 

Two choppers flew straight over our house.  They were beautiful.   I'm healing more every day.  Thank you, Lord, for the little itty bitty steps that even I can see.

ANGER ON THE ROAD: On my way to work, I had a car run a stop sign and pull out in front of me. 

It was a wide-open intersection. 

You can see for a mile from there. 

In EVERY direction!!

What was the idiot thinking?? 

He never did get up to the speed limit and I could never pass him. 

I was furious. 

Come . . . take a walk with me.

You are going on a walk with me today! 

What??    Sure you can! 

You don't even have to get off the couch or out of your chair.

Just sit back and enjoy.

I'm excited about this walk

You see . . . . . I'm going to walk down my road for the first time in 5 years! 

I've been so overwhelmed & consumed by fear since my husband was stabbed by a

poacher (not far from my yard) that I have not been out. 

I've become a recluse.
Immobilized.
Trapped in my own house when I'm not at work.

Strange, especially since I'm a lover of nature.
Birdwatching, wildflowers, flower beds, butterflies, trees, clouds, frogs, toads,
the stars are some of my favorite things. 

I'm kind of anxious.
I hope I don't have a panic attack.
I have not even told my husband that I'm going to do this TODAY.
Not sure why.  Maybe for fear I'd back out and have to explain. 

Last night the idea suddenly came to me to take my camera along
and narrate my journey for my family and friends. 
That way I would not FEEL like I was out there walking ALONE.
I'd have all of you with me.  
I believe that was a God idea.

TODAY is the day!
It's my day off
The temperature is 75 degrees
Sun is shining
It's my kind of day . . . .
Well it used to be my kind of day before November 13, 2005

I was able to go out into my own yard and down to the road for the
first time on Monday, August 31, 2009.
Wow!  That's a year ago. 

Yeah!  It's time for the next 'step' in my journey.

My goal is to walk about 3/4 of a mile down the road to the place
where Marvin was stabbed. 

Stand there and thank God for my husband.  For the miracles of that dreadful night. 

I want to be free of the fear of that place TODAY!

My Heart

This heart                      of mine is

such a fragile thing.         Like fine porcelain.

I could set it on a shelf,    but I tend to put it rather

in the midst of life.  Thus it has been broken a million times.

Perhaps the glue with which God mends it is stronger than the

stuff of which it is made.  Knowing that His blood was shed to

make me whole, encourages me to pick up the pieces, go on,

and love again.   My heart is not a very pretty thing,

with all these cracks and mars and flaws.

But I feel.   And it is certainly much

more loving than a heart

that is never

touched

 at

 all.

--author unknown

A New Year

Another year awaits me.
It's a blank page, an unwalked road.
the pages will read  what I have gained in exchange for time,
or what I find along the way

My resolution is to remember every day
that life is too short for petty things.
That it’s important to kiss slowly, laugh insanely,
love fully, forgive quickly, count my blessings
& look for the unexpected joys purposefully.

Every day! 

You would think that I, of all people, would remember
that life is fragile, unpredictable, and like a vapor can vanish in a moment. 

But even for me, the routine grind and problems of the day
crowd out the important things of life.
It takes great effort to consciously look for the good.

I have to establish reminders. 
Something that reminds me to STOP and consider what blessings were sent my way that day.
Blessings such as when I'm troubled and someone comes along with a smile;
or maybe the breath-taking sunset on the way home.

Blue Birds in December ? ?

There were at least three blue birds outside my window this afternoon ! !

Not Blue Jays - Blue Birds !!

Calmly eating berries - that I hadn't gotten around to removing this fall.

Don't they know it's winter?
Aren't they supposed to go south?                                   

I'm shocked.  I'm excited !
I've not seen blue birds in my yard before,
let alone in December.

Oh - I know what's going on,
maybe these are blue birds that see everything in 'black and white' -
like, maybe they are very literal in their thinking.

After all - winter doesn't officially arrive until December 21st.  Right?

Portraits of my family

Thanksgiving 2009 - Gerry, NY

Every Thanksgiving my brother, sister, my husband & I head to our parent's home in Gerry, NY. 

For Thanksgiving 2009 all my parents' children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren were there.  Along with some of my parents siblings and their children. 

It was awesome! !

We are beginning to have a few empty places at the table now. 

We said "it's so wonderful that EVERYONE is here this year!"

and at the same time we are all thinking, 

"NO! Everyone is NOT here!"  

Family gatherings usually have that tinge of the bitter-sweet. 

My brother is missing his wife. 
His children are missing their mother. 
My sister is missing Frank and
her children are missing their father. 
Heather is missing her Dad and her grandfather. 
I am missing my 16 y/o son.  
My daughter is missing her brother. 
My mother even tried to rescue a slice of stuffed pepper for Uncle Harold,
Then it hits her.  She stands there with a blank look on her face holding the plate. 

Life - What a Treasure!

Four (4) years ago tonight, I was given a gift

My husband!

No – it wasn’t my wedding.
We’d been married 38 years.

So - how could I possibly be given something I already had?

Well . . sometimes we do not know we have
something, until it is taken away -
or, thankfully, 'almost' taken away.

My strong energetic husband
was unwillingly & unwittingly
plunged into a fight for his very life.

Literally!

4 years ago tonight he was on a ventilator!
In surgery into the early morning hours,
as an awesome trauma team fought to save his life.
Fought to put him back together.

Bloomin' Vinca

My pretty evergreen ground cover, Vinca (or myrtle) - has some beautiful purple flowers on it today.

What's the deal? Is there something I haven't been told?
Did I miss something?

Like - did I sleep through winter and spring is here?!?
Woo Hoo!
YES!

Veteran's Day

Today I think of my 88 y/o Dad.

Corporal Charles E Beckwith.

57mm Anti-tank gunner;
405th Anti-tank Company;
102nd Infantry Division (the Ozarks);
serving in the 9th Army during WWII.

On September 11, 1944, his unit, 'The Ozarks' left quietly in the night, around midnight. Gliding silently and in 'black-out' conditions - past the Statute of Liberty and out of the NY Harbor to begin the journey across the Atlantic.

A convoy of forty-six ships of all types zig-zagged across the Atlantic. Escorted by the Navy to help protect against German submarines, which were sighted at one point on the 12 day trip to Cherbourg, France.

My Dad endured weeks & months of rain, snow, artillary, forests, hedgerows, more artillary, more rain, floods, and battle after battle after battle.

From France, into Belgium, and across Germany.

Crossing the flooding Roer, the Rhine, and on to the Elbe.

Fall 2009 - Sabotaged?

As I said about 3 weeks ago,
I love Fall !
The leaves turning colors
The crunching sound they make under my feet.
The burgundy and rust colored plumes of the
tall prairie grasses waving in the breezes.
The cold mornings
The sunny days
The birds gathering into flocks; instinctively
being drawn south.
The pelicans resting on Milford Lake; gathering strength
for the remainder of their journey to the Gulf.

The squirrels frantically furiously gathering black walnuts
in the yard; precariously dodging the dogs
in anticipation of the coming barrenness.

For some strange reason, these squirrels have reminded me of a quote by Malcolm Hancock. I don't know why, but it just came to me as I was sitting here typing; "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention."

Fall - My favorite time of year

The leaves are rustling
The milo is its beautiful rusty red
The soybeans have lost their leaves and
are hanging there patiently awaiting harvest.
There's a nip in the air
A skip in my step
A scattering of fog rising from the ponds in the mornings

The Day(s) that changed my life forever.

 Last week I read a blog from a lady who had just been diagnosed with diabetes. 
She titled her entry: "The Day My Life Changed".   She then went on to describe (complain) how much her life was going to change - the diet, the lifestle, the constant monitoring of her blood sugar, etc, etc. 

It made me STOP!  I mean . . . is diabetes the WORST that could happen? 
Really now! 
Wasn't  she being a little melodramatic here?

After thinking about it for awhile I decided
No . . . it isn't and she wasn't

She made me realize that all of us face joy, disappointments, sorrow, obstacles,

and victories that "change our lives forever". 

More importantly, I realized it happens often throughout our lives.

Maybe even daily!
Think about it. 

We all have traveled a road we did not ask for.
Our lives have zigged when we thought it should have zagged. 
Or maybe it even zigged when we wanted it to zig. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO TODAY - SEPTEMBER 2, 2009.

40 years ago TODAY at about 4:30 pm my life was changed forever!!

I became a mother!! 

A precious beautiful son entered my life.
You've never seen such a cute baby - ever! 
Well . . . . except for my daughter.
And I'm not even the prejudicial kind.
Not one iota!

My adventure today.

E-mail sent to my parents & siblings:  Monday, August 31, 2009   12:42 PM

Janet Macy

I took a couple vacation days (Friday and Monday) to be able to go to Beth Moore event and then to work on an attempt to go outside without experiencing a panic attack.  Or actually – literally - to just to go outside alone and survive.

Armed with inspiration from the Beth Moore simulcast, which was based on Psalms 37: 1-7.  I claimed verse “3 Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.”  Safe pasture had nothing to do with the focus of the event but I needed safe pasture. 

The focus was – “Trust in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”.  The desire of my heart was to feel safe again.  To look fear in the eye and triumph. 

The Glass Window - in the wee hours of today.

“A glass window stands before us.  We raise our eyes and see the glass; we note its quality, and observe its defects; we speculate on its composition.  Or . . . we look straight through it onto the great prospect of land and sea and the sky beyond.”  Benjamin B Warfield. 

The above phrase suddenly leaped off the web page a few moments ago?  Out of all the pages boringly scrolling by, why this statement? 

Vaguely, as if through a fog, thoughts begin to form.  But what?   Suddenly it hits me.   I remembered the wee hours of today.   

Something that had already receded from my memory . . . . had I not just stumbled across those words by Benjamin Warfield.   

The window?  It’s the reference to the glass window?  Yes!  I remember now.  Thank you Lord, for your reminder. 

The phone!  It’s ringing.  I hear myself crying out loud, “Oh no!  Oh no!”.  I’m sitting straight up in bed, in terror, fumbling in the dark for the phone before I even know I’m awake. 

My parents!  One of them is dead.  Surely it’s not Tammy  - she’s healthy . . . . . . . unless she threw a clot to her lung.  Please no, God, I can’t handle anything more right now.  Please, God! 

Fear Exposed

I discovered something rather pathetic about myself today. 

I’m afraid to go outside the house unless Marvin, Jeremy, or someone I know is out there.  I’m even afraid to be next to the house mowing the yard because I can not hear any vehicles coming down the road from either way. 

I’m a prisoner in my own house!

And . . . . . . I don’t even like my house.

HELP! 

I’m trapped and I can’t get out!